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How can you help your child through separation anxiety
or not wanting to attend school?
Anxiety about going to school or even school avoidance can start at any age. Keep in mind that there are many contributing factors to separation anxiety: tiredness, illnesses, and changes in family or household routines. So what can you do? First, acknowledge your child’s anxieties or worries and reassure her. Attempt to discover if there is a specific problem causing the anxiety. Sometimes the child feels relief just by expressing concerns about friends or school expectations. If she can pinpoint a specific concern, then you can immediately talk to the teacher and develop an appropriate plan to solve the problem. Don’t make fun of or scold a child’s separation distress, but use kind, consistent, rational pressure and encouragement.
More Ideas on Separation Anxiety
When school avoidance is anxiety-related, allowing the child to stay home only worsens the symptoms over time, and getting the child back into school as quickly as possible is one of the factors that is associated with more positive outcomes.
Factors that may contribute to separation anxiety
- Tiredness
- Minor or major illness
- Changes in the household routine
- Family changes such as birth of a sibling, divorce, death or illness.
- Change in caregiver or routine at day care center.
- Parents usually are not the cause of the separation anxiety, but they can make things worse or better.
What should I do if my child refuses to go to school?
Take your child to the doctor. Anxiety or a physical illness might be causing the problem. You also should talk to your child's teacher or school counselor.
How will I know if my child is really sick?
Your child's doctor will be able to rule out any illness that may be causing the problem.
How is school avoidance dealt with?
Unreasonable fears about leaving home can be addressed. Parents must keep trying to get their child to go back to school. Your child's doctor may want your child to talk to another trained professional. The longer your child stays out of school, the harder it will be to return. The goal is to help your child learn ways to reduce anxiety and return to school.
Can other problems develop if my child does not get help?
Children who have missed a lot of school due to illness or surgery may experience difficulty returning to the classroom routines as well as academic and social demands. Still other children prefer to stay home because they can watch TV, have parental attention, and play rather than work in school. Children and youth who are transitioning (from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school) may feel very stressed. All of these factors may lead to the development of school avoidance. Additionally, many children avoid school for a combination of reasons, further complicating the struggle.
If complaints of illness are the excuse for not attending school, have the child checked by the family medical provider. If there is no medical reason to be absent, the child should be at school. The parent should attempt to discover if there is a specific problem causing the refusal. Sometimes the child feels relief just by expressing concerns about friends or school expectations. If the child is able to pinpoint a specific concern (such as worry about tests, teasing, etc.), then the parent should immediately talk to the child's teacher about developing an appropriate plan to solve the problem.
Some common sense strategies to try
- Do not deny the child's anxiety or worries, but acknowledge them and reassure him/her. For example: "I know you're worried I won't be there to pick you up, but there's no reason to worry. I'll be there."
- It is most important to tell the child exactly what s/he is to expect. There should be no "tricks" or surprises. For example, a child may be told that he should stay in school for the morning, but after that s/he is encouraged or asked to stay longer either by the school or parent. This will backfire. The child will eventually refuse future arrangements for fear that they will be modified arbitrarily. Part of being anxious is anxiety about the unknown and the “what if?”
- Punishment does not work, but kind, consistent, rational pressure and encouragement do.
- Do not quiz the child about why s/he feels scared. A younger child often does not know why. By not being able to provide an explanation, in addition to being anxious, the child feels guilty about not making sense of what is happening. Better to acknowledge that the fears make no sense and that the child has to fight them.
- Be open to hearing about how your child feels. However, lengthy discussions about the child's problems are not always helpful and can be experienced as a burden by the child. The focus must always be that you want to help your child be free of worries and fears.
- A child's reluctance to go to school can be irritating to parents. Expressing resentment and anger is counterproductive. And you won't feel the urge to do so if you adopt specific strategies to assist your child.
- Have another family member bring the child to school.
- Do not give in. Let the child know that he or she will be all right.
- Remind the child of previous brave things he or she has done.
- Let child know, in words he or she can understand, that you appreciate how distressing it must be to be separated from loved ones. Understanding and acceptance, but not excessive sympathy.
- Never make fun of a child's separation distress. Do not scold a child for it.
- Do not bribe a child to mask the distress. If you plan a special activity after you pick the child up, let it be unconditional.
- Focus on the positive things that happened in school. Don't let them dwell on fears or imagination of what might happen.
- Minimize fears by limiting scary TV shows.
- If it is an older child, consider introducing him or her to some of the children who are to be in the class and arranging play dates in advance.
- Make shopping for school supplies a special event just for that child.
- Expect a child to be more tired and possibly more irritable than usual when he or she starts kindergarten or first grade for the first few weeks.
- When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug and cheerfully say goodbye.
- Don't prolong your departure or come back several times.
- Don't sneak out of the room.
- Even if you feel that a strict teacher or a bully might be part of the problem, keep your child going to school while these problems are being handled.
